Migrants are flooding across Europe from war-torn North Africa. What do you do?

Open the borders and let them in. Accomodate them in empty millionaires' mansions in London.	Shut the borders. You'll only encourage more to make the deadly journey if you let some in.
Place your gentleman's area in the mouth of a dead pig's head.

There is a clamour from both extremes of the political spectrum to leave the European Union. How do you respond?

Stay in! It is vital to British interests that we maintain our membership of the EU.	Get out! We don't want to deal with those stinky continentals anyway.
Procure a dead pig's head and gently insert your most secret protruberance in to its mouth.

Education needs a radical overhaul. What is your plan?

Free schooling for all! Free meals, no tuition fees, ban private schools.	Shut down the state schools, make them all fee-paying and private.
Slowly slip your reproductive organ in to the mouth of a dead pig. Having removed the head of course.

The National Health Service is a shambles. How do you address this?

Limitless funding and roll back privatisation.	State run hospitals are a disaster. Make them all private.
Place your glans in a severed pig head, then push the rest in quite hard.

A pig bursts in to Parliament during PMQs and charges around causing mayhem. What is your response?

Reason with the pig, it can be made to see sense.	Call Black Rod to fight the pig off with his big stick.
Pull down your trousers and underpants, then rampage around the House Of Commons flailing your arms and shrieking "WHO WILL SEX THE FUCKPIG?" for a while. Then make sure you get to go first because you are the Prime Minister for God's sake.