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The Physics of Cows

(Presented as a lecture by man in lab coat with a blackboard)


Cows have a very high surface tension. Surface tension can be seen in water, in the way pond-skaters are able to skim across the surface of a body of liquid without sinking, and also in the way drops of water always tend towards spherical shape. In cows (and meat in general) the surface tension forces them to tend toward the shape of a cube. The forces at work in the cow are finely balanced, just allowing it to maintain cow-shape. However, if 2 cows should be allowed to touch each other, the surface tension will immediately force them to merge. This larger body of meat is unable to maintain its cow form against the surface tension forces now at work, and so will form a Cow Cube, or Cowube, pronounced “COWUUUUBE” with the mass of 2 cows.

The seriousness of the implications of this phenomenon for the dairy industry, and the future of humanity, should not be underestimated. This Cowube, with its 2-cow mass, exerts enough gravitational force to suck in nearby cows of lower mass. As they touch the Cowube, they merge immediately with it, forming a Cowube of ever-increasing mass, exerting ever-increasing gravitational force on cows.

Eventually, this vast and ever-growing cube of meat will implode under its own gravitational force, forming a singularity. This is why, as every astronomer knows, the surface of every black hole is always a cow.

Centuries of conjecture over the reason for this flaw in the design of cows has recently been resolved with the discovery of the origin of the species. Rather than, as has previously been thought, a slow process of evolution, we now know that all animals were created by the Zoology Dragon. Unfortunately, we also know that the current Zoology Dragon is a bit shit.

The previous Zoology Dragon, now long retired, was extremely successful, managing to populate Earth with big dinosaurs with lots of teeth. His successor has been attempting to create ever-more fearsome Terror Lizards since he took over the role, but has been almost completely unsuccessful, instead ending up with many small, furry and often defective products.

The Zoology Dragon has a theme tune, which goes as such:

(sing the Zoology Dragon Theme Tune)

I’m the Zoology Dragon,
I drive around in my Dragon Wagon,
I invent animals,
MADE OF CUBES

I’m the Zoology Dragon,
I’m always buzzing and I’m never flagging,
I’ve made more animals than you can imagine,
SO PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR SURFACE TENSION
COW! CUBE!
COWUUUUUBE!
COW! CUBE!
COWUUUUUBE!


I’m the Zoology Dragon,
Making animals is my passion,
I made the elephant and the donkey,
BUT BE CAREFUL BECAUSE THEY HAVE GOT INFINITE DENSITY

COW! CUBE!
COWUUUUUBE!
COW! CUBE!
COWUUUUUBE!