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Does It Hurt Yet? Shit, Can You Put This Out For Me Please?

The Roadkill And Kelp Spotters Association

This organisation is dedicated to the pursuage of the fine and noble hobbies of Kelp and Roadkill spotting. Truly, there can be few more relaxing and cultured ways of spending a quiet Sunday afternoon than cruising around the rugged coastal roads of your local rural area, notebook and camera in hand and with a hot thermos of sugary tea, looking for new and interesting dead wildlife and kelp.

Equipment you will need:

No dedicated roadkill enthusiast will leave home on any road journey without a few of the basic tools of the trade.

To get started, you will not have to splash out a fortune on high-tech equipment. A beginners pack will typically contain only a few simple items:

1: Camera.

You will always need to photograph any roadkill or kelp you come across before taking any other action. There is no better way of spending Saturday night than at your local association clubhouse, looking over your fellows' albums of roadkill and kelp, and proudly displaying your own trophies. I find it a wonderfully rewarding way of entertaining my young grand-children as well- the glowing smiles appearing on their angelic little faces as they flick thriough my album of flattened creatures and rotting aquatic weeds brings a warm glow to my heart almost as enjoyable as a good swig of meths.

2: Notebook

Half the fun of the game is to record the statistical details of your finds for future reference. To get the most out of this aspect of the sport, you will need....

3: Micrometer

There is always a good deal of friendly competition among enthusiasts to see who has been able to turn up the flattest creature, or the thickest piece of kelp. You should always take an accurate reading of the thickness of a corpse at the thinnest part, and kelp at the thickest. Please do not submit to the temptation to tell "fisherman's tales" of wafer-thin fox cadavers, though, as this is extremely unsportsmanlike, against the spirit of the game, and will attract an awful lot of hostility from fellow roadkill/seaweed buffs if you are caught out.

4: Wildlife guide

While it is easy to tell kelp from other plant-species, such as Oak trees, there can be certain problems identifying the corpses of wild animals, particularly if they have been repeatedly run over by heavy goods vehicles. You should always make as accurate as possible an identification, as most clubs will offer a prize for the rarest species found squashed into the tarmac every month. I can't describe in mere words the feeling of excitement and adrenaline I felt the day I found the mangled corpse of a wild panda cub splatted like a pancake near the Welsh coast. Wonderful.

5: Thermos flask of hot, sweet tea

Remember, it can get cold and windy by the coast in winter, and that is where you will want to be if you are to find any kelp. Always take a thermos flask filled with a hot sweet beverage with you to keep you warm, and decorate it, according to tradition, with the crest of your local Roadkill and Kelp Spotters Association branch.

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