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 Crime:
The Crown Jewels, Linguistic Tragedy, Nominative Determinism
Super
Criminal, Samurai
The
Gentlemen's Club
More
Reminiscensces from Duncan De Sordillee
Sturgeon
Assertion
Appointments
to Institutions
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Career
Idea
I have, due to the mundane nature of everyday life, decided to
become a super-villain in the classical mould.
From tommorrow, I am going to dedicate my life to the
pursuit of evil as........
Helium Puffa Jacket Blue Paint Boy.
I will float around, suspended by my enormous gold helium-filled
puffa jacket unitil I spy a likely victim. I will then deflate my puffa,
floating down to appear, startlingly, in front of the face of the victim.
I will in the mean time have pushed a large quantity of blue powder paint
up my nose. When I am directly at face level with my victim, I will inhale
deeply, hold shut one nostril, and blow powder paint all over the face
of the poor innocent. I will then push a buttin which will release large
quantities of helium from a pressurised container into my enormous gold
puffa, inflating it explosively, and I will shoot off into the sky, laughing
manically.
Down with the system, down with law and the government.....
VIVA HELIUM PUFFA JACKET BLUE PAINT BOY!!!!!!!!!
Please Tread With Caution!
As part of my scheme to topple world democracy, I had
an army of ancient Samurai cloned from cells left on suits of armour stored
in museums across the world. I then kidnapped Sir Clive Sinclair and forced
him to develop a miniaturising ray gun as seen in "Honey I shrunk
the kids" by threatening him with a squad of highly trained soldier
ants.
On completion of this, phase one, of my malevolent scheme,
I miniaturised the Samurai and got them to board a flotilla of tiny submarines.
I swallowed them in a glass of water. My intention was to piss them out
on the floor of Buckingham Palace, then leave them to regain their normal
size and cause havoc.
However, disaster has struck. I sneezed a minute ago,
and the submarine-borne army of ancient sword-wealding warriors has been
blasted out of my nose and into the carpet of this office. If you tread
on them, they will not hesitate to storm through your blood-stream, slicing
any organs they find along the way to shreds with cries of "Death
to the dishonourable round-eyes, BANZAI!!!"
BEWARE THE MICROSCOPIC SAMURAI OF DOOM FOR THEY DO NOT
FEAR DEATH, BUT RATHER SEEK IT IN HONOURABLE COMBAT.
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