Ramblings of the Crab

Crime: The Crown Jewels, Linguistic Tragedy, Nominative Determinism

Super Criminal, Samurai

The Gentlemen's Club

More Reminiscensces from Duncan De Sordillee

Sturgeon Assertion

Appointments to Institutions

The Perfect Crime

I am weary of my life of drudgery, and have hence resolved to undertake a cunning and dastardly scheme in order to be extremely rich and lazy. I am, in short, going to steal the crown jewels.

How, you may ask, do I propose to half-inch these well defended national treasures?

Recently I have been spending my spare time in a secret laboratory buried under a field in Cheadle Hume. Here, I have assembled a programme of experiments in the trainage of animals which has enabled me to produce a horde of genetically modified leaf-cutter ants. These will troop undetected to the display cases in the Tower of London, where they will bite small pieces of toughened glass off and carry them away much as they would do with leaves in the wild. When a suitably large hole has been chewed in the defences, my ninjitsu-proficient spider monkey troupe will scratch a hole in the ceiling and, by linking their prehensile tails like hooks, lower one down to pilfer the goodies. While they are in this admittedly vulnerable position of mutual danglage, highly aggressive gibbons will stand guard on the roof. Once the malevolent menagerie have completed their zoological heist, the monkeys will bound back to my high-technology armoured bunker in Bishops Stortford, from whence I will cruise off into the sunset a very rich man.

All of these animals will then, or in the event of capture, eat themselves alive from the feet up leaving no evidence for the boys in blue.

See you on the Costa Del Crime!!

Linguistic Tragedy

I used to have a mate called Sam Handwich. He worked in a snack food kiosk and was eaten alive due to a tragic Spoonerism.

I am interested to know if anyone else has had any friends killed due to this kind of linguistic error.

Nominative Determinism

My friend and associate Mr M. Balmer earns his living by preserving dead bodies. Good eh?

Contact Master Criminals








Crab Mayhem!