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 Crime:
The Crown Jewels, Linguistic Tragedy, Nominative Determinism
Super
Criminal, Samurai
The
Gentlemen's Club
More
Reminiscensces from Duncan De Sordillee
Sturgeon
Assertion
 Appointments
to Institutions
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The
Perfect Crime
I am weary of my life of drudgery, and have hence resolved to
undertake a cunning and dastardly scheme in order to be extremely rich
and lazy. I am, in short, going to steal the crown jewels.
How, you may ask, do I propose to half-inch these well
defended national treasures?
Recently I have been spending my spare time in a secret
laboratory buried under a field in Cheadle Hume. Here, I have assembled
a programme of experiments in the trainage of animals which has enabled
me to produce a horde of genetically modified leaf-cutter ants. These
will troop undetected to the display cases in the Tower of London, where
they will bite small pieces of toughened glass off and carry them away
much as they would do with leaves in the wild. When a suitably large hole
has been chewed in the defences, my ninjitsu-proficient spider monkey
troupe will scratch a hole in the ceiling and, by linking their prehensile
tails like hooks, lower one down to pilfer the goodies. While they are
in this admittedly vulnerable position of mutual danglage, highly aggressive
gibbons will stand guard on the roof. Once the malevolent menagerie have
completed their zoological heist, the monkeys will bound back to my high-technology
armoured bunker in Bishops Stortford, from whence I will cruise off into
the sunset a very rich man.
All of these animals will then, or in the event of capture,
eat themselves alive from the feet up leaving no evidence for the boys
in blue.
See you on the Costa Del Crime!!
Linguistic Tragedy
I used to have a mate called Sam Handwich. He worked in a snack food
kiosk and was eaten alive due to a tragic Spoonerism.
I am interested to know if anyone else has had any friends killed due
to this kind of linguistic error.
Nominative Determinism
My friend and associate Mr M. Balmer earns his living by preserving dead
bodies. Good eh?
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