- A Plea
As a result of the ever increasing burden of stress heaped upon my shoulders, I have decided to master the ancient art of transcendental meditation.
With this in mind, I have resolved to sleep on a bed of nails. Unfortunately, I do not currently have enough nails to cover an entire bed, so if I could have your assistance in this matter I would be most indebted to yourselves.
Please send any trimmings and / or clippings to my home address. Finger rather than toe nails preferred. I am not quite sure as yet exactly what the benefits are likely to be, although I am sure that they will come to light in due course.
I have recently returned from a jaunt in the Gulf of Thailand. During this time, I realised the metaphysical and existential importance of lobsters.
Everybody knows that lobsters have claws. Big ones. The lobsters in Thailand have no such weaponry, giving them the appearance of giant prawns.
Now, Darwinism and the accepted scientific paradigm state that the strongest and fittest will survive. In a straight fight between a proper hard English lobster with big fuck-off pincers, and a mincing ponce of a Thai lobster with nothing but lots of little legs to defend itself, the English lobster would have the Oriental poof of a crustacean every time. So, how can it possibly be that there are still these little nonces roaming the depths? Why have they not all been done over by their decent thuggish English brethren?
The answer is simple- the only possible explanation is that natural selection is bollocks. God must have decided that it was necessary to secrete on this planet the proof of his own existence. This proof he deposited in the form of an impossible pacifist lobster that would render untenable the basis of scientific thought in "advanced" society.
More than this, the fact that he chose to place it in Thailand would imply that the Thais follow the correct spiritual path, and that the rest of us are mistaken.
Convert to Buddhism today. Buddha has spoken in the form of a lobster. This cannot be denied.
Avoid damnation, get a yellow sheet today.