The Guru

Previous Guruage: Stooge Gum Arse Rage; Blind Women..

Do I Know You?

Why Are You Writing To Me?

Why Work? Bears and Horses, Smells

Musical Hounds, Love.

Exam Tips

Train Times, Personal Hygiene

Germans, Christians, Old People, Bucks Fizz and more!

Bod, Chaz and Dave, Birds and more!

The Sky and The Moon Explained, Baby Fish

Just Because You're Paranoid... Women Who Want It, Persecution of the Virtuous


The Metaphysics of Playing Cards

Salmon Conundrum, Erection Evolution

Important Issues

Yet More Important Issues

Roommate Removal, Poupon Poser

As you are probably aware, I know everything there is to know about everything there is.

Out of the goodness of my heart, I have decided to offer my services as a guru and general fount of knowledge.

I know that for you, the unfortunate masses, life can pose many confusing and disconcerting conundra, leaving you feeling as though you are little more than a victim of cruel fate, or blind and amoral causal determinism. In the face of this quandary, rather than plummeting over the metaphysical abyss into a Dostoevskian maelstrom of churning anguish, I offer you a chance to share some small portion of my greater and all-encompassing enlightenment.

Please send any questions whatsoever which may be troubling you to me and I will answer them at my earliest convenience. Where do my socks go? Will it ever be possible to breed an enormous amoeba and use it as a bouncy castle for kids? If so how? How can I catch the little monkey that follows me around but always leaps just out of my field of vision every time I spin around to catch it out- I know it's there, I just can't prove it. Do Quantum Mechanics and Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle rule out, through allowing the spontaneous creation of virtual particles with energy but no mass, the possibility of creating a computational device accurate enough to work on the level of molecular components? What are the ingredients for the perfect quiche?

All these things and more are known to me. I await your questions with extreme indifference.

Ask and you shall be answered






Pigeons, Robin Reliants, School Uniforms



Crossing the Road



How Long Is A Piece Of String, Question Question

Who To Marry?

More Important Issues

Surely Not More Important issues

Particle Physics Explained








Crab Mayhem!