you are probably aware, I know everything there is to know about everything
Out of the goodness of my heart, I have decided to offer my services as a guru and general fount of knowledge.
I know that for you, the unfortunate masses, life can pose many confusing and disconcerting conundra, leaving you feeling as though you are little more than a victim of cruel fate, or blind and amoral causal determinism. In the face of this quandary, rather than plummeting over the metaphysical abyss into a Dostoevskian maelstrom of churning anguish, I offer you a chance to share some small portion of my greater and all-encompassing enlightenment.
Please send any questions whatsoever which may be troubling you to me and I will answer them at my earliest convenience. Where do my socks go? Will it ever be possible to breed an enormous amoeba and use it as a bouncy castle for kids? If so how? How can I catch the little monkey that follows me around but always leaps just out of my field of vision every time I spin around to catch it out- I know it's there, I just can't prove it. Do Quantum Mechanics and Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle rule out, through allowing the spontaneous creation of virtual particles with energy but no mass, the possibility of creating a computational device accurate enough to work on the level of molecular components? What are the ingredients for the perfect quiche?
All these things and more are known to me. I await your questions with extreme indifference.