Home | All Rathergood Stuff | Shop | Music | Blog | About / Hire Us


PIE! Newsletter

Hello!

In today's Roadkill clip, Ed the Cat and Dave the Rabbit discuss the important issue of Pie:

http://rathergood.com/all-sketches/roadkill-pie.html

In other news I waked through a crime scene the other day and wrote some words about it – this one isn't comedy:

http://www.rathergood.com/blog/a-walk-through-a-crime.html

I hope you are having a wonderful 2015 so far! Great things await this year! HOORAY!

Wheeeee!

Yours sincerely

Joel Veitch

Founder of rathergood.com
Member of the International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences
Winner of 3 Webby Awards
Master of Arts (Electronic Media) Oxford Brookes
Bachelor of Arts (English and History) University of Leeds
Marksman (.22, 5.56, 7.62, LMG)
Former Sixer of Grey Six, 19th Forest Hill Cub Scouts
Former Member of MGS school cricket team
Former Sergeant, Combined Cadet Force (RAF Section)
Silver Swimming Badge
3rd best Cross Country runner in my class at age 12
Once had a letter published in the New Scientist
Attended one-night Pork Butchery Course
Keen amateur ukulele player
Bronze lifesavers swimming badge
Full clean driver's license
Passed Cycling Proficiency Test
A levels – English Literature, French and History, all grade A
GCSEs 7xA 2xB
Good understanding of the principals of flight
Good understanding of the principles of spelling
Winner of the Head's Prize for Progress, first year, Aylesford School
50 meters swimming badge
Once did a wee in a loo containing Dannii Minogue's wee
25 meters swimming badge
Amateur experimental rocket / meat scientist
Has caught piranhas on a hand line
Willing to learn semaphore if required
Able to sing The Girl From Ipanema and Mas Que Nada in Portuguese
Survivor of Trans-Atlantic Airplane Fire Horror
Wielder Of The Power Of Science
Inventor of the Dictator Finger Thingdicator
Defeater of Transformers (regardless of voltage)
Founder member of the super-secret League Of Internet Justice
Has eaten chicken madras for breakfast
Commander In Chief of Pork Force
Saver Of Old Ladies In Distress
Owner of Monster Truck
Experienced lawn mower
Finder of camouflaged flip-flops
Amateur Marine Biologist
Vaguely knowledgeable about steam engines
Paper Plane Expert
The man behind many of the Internet’s biggest online successes (London Evening Standard 6 October 2010)
Pie Master
Some bloke who makes cat videos on the internet (copyright Aleks Krotoski)
Kitten Wrangler Extraordinaire
Inventor of Hairy Tongue
Christmas Tree Decorator of some renown
Able to slow kittens to 1/40th the speed of a normal kitten
Fan of all ungulates
Moon Baron
Able to do a passable impersonation of a trumpeting elephant
Fixer of aircraft using glue, tape and bog roll
Cyborg Warrior
Repairer of small shock absorbers
Owner of a skin-tight lycra suit
Knower of some stuff about pulse jets
Able to identify many cartilaginous fish
Painter of RC cars
Able to fly a radio control plane briefly before crashing and destroying it
Knows what a lift pump is in a diesel engine
Understands clutch shoes
Loop-the-looper extraordinaire!
Getting less bad at soldering
Has a vague understanding of the advantages and disadvantages of a small propeller spinning quickly vs a big propeller spinning slowly
Knows that volts times amps equals watts
Father of Ultimate Nail Baby
Hasn't even mentioned that he cut the tip of his finger off because he's so brave
Builder of Sausage Drone
Not responsible for anyone injuring themselves while attempting dangerous erotic freefall
Popular amongst Dominicans with sexually confusing genetic disorders
HABATAAAAAAG enthusiast
Milkman impersonator
Stallion Explosion
Drummer on stranded buoys
Killer of tree stump
Barbequer of delicious sardines
Rat control expert
Wears a clean pair of underpants every single day, no exceptions
Juicing enthusiast
Maestro Human Jamonero
Fingernail splinter survivor
Choctopussular King of the Underworld
King of rapid-reaction song-forging
Trainee quadcopter pilot
Digger-out of large pieces of floorboard from his own feet flesh
Survivor of adult mumps
Egg detector
Bacon Drone Mastermind
Able to speak French a bit
Very grown up
Getting better at gardening
Not actually so sure I am getting better at gardening after all
Successfully grafted at least one fruit tree
Learning a bit about pollination
Has eaten reindeer
Building slug defences from egg shells
Has definitely got some greengages growing on the greengage tree
Owner of a kiwi vine
Slug Patrol! Ho!
Has a slightly sore little finger on the right hand
Destroyer of aphids
Several plants would be growing better if I had just left them alone instead of trying to help
A bit tired
Owner of a Passion Fruit vine
Grower of Asparagus
Educator about dinosaurs
Grower and Eater of greengages
Pork is my cake, cheese sauce my custard
Creator of a massive glut of broad beans
Maker of compost
Grower of fruit seeds
Cooker of spicy bone soup
Can say “fish” in Spanish
Inventor of Bean Cake. It's a cake that's full of beans!
Inventor of Eel Cake. It's a cake that's full of eels!
Father of a very small hairdresser
Has a horrible cold but is much too brave to mention it
Smells of burnt toast
Theocratic Despot of the Future
Walking quite a lot these days
I do like a nice home made spicy soup you know
Ate a ridiculously hot chicken wing thereby joining the Brotherhood of Idiots
Crabcatcher
Bell Enthusiast
Pie Cogniscenti

A Walk Through A Crime

A Walk Through A Crime

I walk a lot through Hackney. Every day in the week. There are always interesting people about.

This evening about 5.20 I was on my way home, walking up Goldsmith's Row towards Broadway Market. We used to have a flat there, before we had the kids.

I generally have my earphones in on the way back in the evening. Today I was listening to the news.

Goldsmith's Row is a quiet, dark, pedestrianised road with a park on one side. Half way along I realised the person in front of me was shouting in to the night.

That's usually a bad sign, if there's no-one obvious for them to be shouting at. It usually means they are a nutter. It puts me on my guard a bit so I pay a bit more attention to what's going on, just in case.

The person was staggering and slowed down, still shouting. Short hair, fat. From behind I couldn't really tell any more about them. I was clearly going to be overtaking so I moved over to give him or her a wide berth.

I couldn't tell what he / she was shouting as I was listening to the news. As I was passing, a girl came running over. She was agitated. Overweight. I listened to her as I walked past, caught a few words over the radio.

“So what happened was basically they all jumped out of the car....”

Their conversation disappeared behind me. Back to the news.

Further along, by the shops a small crowd was gathered – only 5 people or so. As I got near a paramedic car screeched to a halt and a medic jumped out. Ahah, I thought. I wonder if this is anything to do with those girls back there, or if someone's been run over or something.

I've seen several people on bikes, scooters and motorbikes run over since I started walking to work. I've seen one pedestrian run over as well. Happens a fair bit.

The news was talking about David Cameron not wanting to do the election debates.

As I walked past I saw there was a guy on the ground who was the centre of attention. There was a lot of blood. The guy was laughing.

The paramedic was shouting at him in an urgent way:

“It's not a funny question is it? There's a guy running around with a knife and I don't know if he's going to stab me do I?”

The lad replied “Nah, he run off didn't he”

I walked through the little crowd without stopping. There didn't seem to be any point stopping. It's not like I could have helped.

I realised there really was a lot of blood. Big pools of it on the pavement, and drops, smears and rivulets of it all around.

I wondered why the lad was in such a good mood. Maybe it was shock, his body full of endorphins, fight-or-flight. Maybe he wouldn't feel it for a little while. It looked like too much blood to be in much of a state to talk. It looked like enough blood to make you very unwell.

Or maybe the guy was just high of course. But I reckon probably he was wired from the stabbing. Not that I know anything about this stuff. I haven't got a clue really.

I tried not to step in the blood. I didn't want to get it on my shoes, but also it felt like interfering with the scene, it felt more tainted than blood usually does. Down to the circumstances I guess. Not accidental blood, deliberate blood.

The blood was really surprisingly red. Even in the dark, on the pavement. Really bright, vivid red. Arterial I guess, full of oxygen.

I couldn't completely avoid it but I didn't step in much. Not enough to go up the sides of my shoes.

I wondered about getting my phone out and taking some photographs. It was interesting, unusual. I could show my friends. But of course that would have been ghoulish and insensitive right? Or maybe it wouldn't. I don't really know what the score is with that. People do it all the time don't they. Half the internet is people filming stuff like this on their phones.

It felt like it would have been wrong anyway. Also of course someone might have got angry with me. I didn't want to get caught up in proceedings. None of my business thanks. So I didn't.

Lots of cyclists ride by there. Some of them have cameras on their helmets. I guess if I rode a bike I could have a camera on my helmet and whenever I saw something interesting I could just stop and look and I'd be filming it but nobody would know. It would be like it wasn't really deliberate. I could tell myself I was just having a look.

But at the end I'd have some film of the interesting thing, like the lad bleeding great puddles of blood on to the pavement and laughing. And a nearly clean conscience. Nearly clean.

As I continued there was more blood in drips and streams. He must have come this way before he stopped I guess. In the gutter was a big wad of kitchen roll, completely soaked in blood. I wondered where that kitchen roll had come from. I guess someone must have come out to help him while he was still making his way down the street. It was a fair distance from him- maybe 15 metres. It must have dropped there. It couldn't have been blown by the wind or anything. Too much blood soaked in.

I walked on. The news was talking about what the TV companies were likely to do about the leadership debates. I thought about what the paramedic had said to the lad.

It was obvious this was a gang thing. Some lads had jumped out of a car and stabbed this guy, then sped off. So I wasn't in any danger. No lunatic stabbing people and running amok. But still, I did my coat up, thinking about penetration of knives versus penetration of bullets and stuff. There's not much that will stop a knife, cloathing-wise. Because the pressure keeps pushing behind the blade, it goes through stuff a bullet would be stopped by.

My coat wouldn't do anything much.

But there wasn't anyone looking to stab anyone like me, so it didn't matter. But still, you know, I was keeping a bit of an eye out.

As I walked up Broadway Market two guys came out of the bookies at a jog. One older, one younger. The younger one was smiling broadly. “Where?” he asked.

The older guy looked grim. He pointed back the way I had come from.

“You'd better call his boys or something coz he's stabbed, cuz”

They both ran off. The young lad towards his friend, the older guy in to a side street.

A few yards further on another paramedic car zoomed in to the market and went flying in the direction of the action. It was going very fast, but instead of using his siren he was just parping his horn.

That road has little traffic on it and pedestrians and bikes have a habit of appearing in front of you when you drive down there. It looked really dangerous. I guess the driver didn't know the market or he would have left his siren on. Still I didn't hear anything go wrong.

The news was saying maybe the debates would be called off.

Finally you can see Uncle Wormsley's Christmas - our finest work!

Hello!

Incredible news! You can FINALLY see Uncle Wormsley's Christmas – our finest ever work!

It's on Amazon: t.co/wT5DRvKtHM or iTunes: t.co/KpKCLNjiSr - starring Steve Coogan, Julian Barratt, John Thomson and Ben Baker, this is an animated children's cautionary tale with a dark heart.

Here are some reviews:

"This macabre offering ranks as one of the darkest festive morality tales ever conceived" - The Observer

"...gloriously grotesque catuionary tale" - The Mail On Sunday

"dark and rather wonderful" - i

"A weird, exciting half-hour break from the norm" - The Guardian

"Funny, dark and frequently disturbing" - Time Out

Have a look at the trailer if you can't decide:

www.unclewormsley.com/

Uncle Wormsley is a grey, decaying old man, who dedicates his life to the care of his only friend, a monstrous crab called Crabsley who lives in a dungeon under his house.

Across town lives Johnnie Goodington, a rich boy who has everything money could buy except one thing – a giant monstrous crab.

One Christmas, Johnnie's father strikes a deal with the mysterious and shadowy Crab Catchers. Johnnie shall have his Giant crab, but dark forces have been unleashed, and who can tell where this will end?

It is written by me and my cousin Tim Gallagher and directed by my mate David Shute.

This has been on Sky Atlantic for the last couple of years but is now FINALLY available in a format everyone else can get to!

Wheeeee!

Yours sincerely

Joel Veitch

Founder of rathergood.com
Member of the International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences
Winner of 3 Webby Awards
Master of Arts (Electronic Media) Oxford Brookes
Bachelor of Arts (English and History) University of Leeds
Marksman (.22, 5.56, 7.62, LMG)
Former Sixer of Grey Six, 19th Forest Hill Cub Scouts
Former Member of MGS school cricket team
Former Sergeant, Combined Cadet Force (RAF Section)
Silver Swimming Badge
3rd best Cross Country runner in my class at age 12
Once had a letter published in the New Scientist
Attended one-night Pork Butchery Course
Keen amateur ukulele player
Bronze lifesavers swimming badge
Full clean driver's license
Passed Cycling Proficiency Test
A levels – English Literature, French and History, all grade A
GCSEs 7xA 2xB
Good understanding of the principals of flight
Good understanding of the principles of spelling
Winner of the Head's Prize for Progress, first year, Aylesford School
50 meters swimming badge
Once did a wee in a loo containing Dannii Minogue's wee
25 meters swimming badge
Amateur experimental rocket / meat scientist
Has caught piranhas on a hand line
Willing to learn semaphore if required
Able to sing The Girl From Ipanema and Mas Que Nada in Portuguese
Survivor of Trans-Atlantic Airplane Fire Horror
Wielder Of The Power Of Science
Inventor of the Dictator Finger Thingdicator
Defeater of Transformers (regardless of voltage)
Founder member of the super-secret League Of Internet Justice
Has eaten chicken madras for breakfast
Commander In Chief of Pork Force
Saver Of Old Ladies In Distress
Owner of Monster Truck
Experienced lawn mower
Finder of camouflaged flip-flops
Amateur Marine Biologist
Vaguely knowledgeable about steam engines
Paper Plane Expert
The man behind many of the Internet’s biggest online successes (London Evening Standard 6 October 2010)
Pie Master
Some bloke who makes cat videos on the internet (copyright Aleks Krotoski)
Kitten Wrangler Extraordinaire
Inventor of Hairy Tongue
Christmas Tree Decorator of some renown
Able to slow kittens to 1/40th the speed of a normal kitten
Fan of all ungulates
Moon Baron
Able to do a passable impersonation of a trumpeting elephant
Fixer of aircraft using glue, tape and bog roll
Cyborg Warrior
Repairer of small shock absorbers
Owner of a skin-tight lycra suit
Knower of some stuff about pulse jets
Able to identify many cartilaginous fish
Painter of RC cars
Able to fly a radio control plane briefly before crashing and destroying it
Knows what a lift pump is in a diesel engine
Understands clutch shoes
Loop-the-looper extraordinaire!
Getting less bad at soldering
Has a vague understanding of the advantages and disadvantages of a small propeller spinning quickly vs a big propeller spinning slowly
Knows that volts times amps equals watts
Father of Ultimate Nail Baby
Hasn't even mentioned that he cut the tip of his finger off because he's so brave
Builder of Sausage Drone
Not responsible for anyone injuring themselves while attempting dangerous erotic freefall
Popular amongst Dominicans with sexually confusing genetic disorders
HABATAAAAAAG enthusiast
Milkman impersonator
Stallion Explosion
Drummer on stranded buoys
Killer of tree stump
Barbequer of delicious sardines
Rat control expert
Wears a clean pair of underpants every single day, no exceptions
Juicing enthusiast
Maestro Human Jamonero
Fingernail splinter survivor
Choctopussular King of the Underworld
King of rapid-reaction song-forging
Trainee quadcopter pilot
Digger-out of large pieces of floorboard from his own feet flesh
Survivor of adult mumps
Egg detector
Bacon Drone Mastermind
Able to speak French a bit
Very grown up
Getting better at gardening
Not actually so sure I am getting better at gardening after all
Successfully grafted at least one fruit tree
Learning a bit about pollination
Has eaten reindeer
Building slug defences from egg shells
Has definitely got some greengages growing on the greengage tree
Owner of a kiwi vine
Slug Patrol! Ho!
Has a slightly sore little finger on the right hand
Destroyer of aphids
Several plants would be growing better if I had just left them alone instead of trying to help
A bit tired
Owner of a Passion Fruit vine
Grower of Asparagus
Educator about dinosaurs
Grower and Eater of greengages
Pork is my cake, cheese sauce my custard
Creator of a massive glut of broad beans
Maker of compost
Grower of fruit seeds
Cooker of spicy bone soup
Can say “fish” in Spanish
Inventor of Bean Cake. It's a cake that's full of beans!
Inventor of Eel Cake. It's a cake that's full of eels!
Father of a very small hairdresser
Has a horrible cold but is much too brave to mention it
Smells of burnt toast
Theocratic Despot of the Future
Walking quite a lot these days
I do like a nice home made spicy soup you know
Ate a ridiculously hot chicken wing thereby joining the Brotherhood of Idiots
Crabcatcher

19 Amazing Facts About Bells That Will SHOCK You

Hello!

Look! Here are 19 Amazing Facts About Bells That Will SHOCK You! Number 7 will make you cry:

http://www.rathergood.com/all-sketches/bell-facts.html

In other news, I didn't want to blast you with a load of emails all one after the other over Christmas so I have some more edicts from Grand High Space Arch-Vicar Stewart from Ship Of Eagles to inform you about.

Squidmas Dinner – (hint- it involves a large wasp):

http://www.rathergood.com/all-sketches/edict.html

Squidmas Festive Denounceathon – mandatory Squidmas viewing:

http://www.rathergood.com/all-sketches/stewart-s-squidmas-edict-9-denounceathon.html

Compulsory Squidmas crackers with a lucky surprise:

www.rathergood.com/all-sketches/edict-crackers.html

The Midnight Mass of Squid:

http://www.rathergood.com/all-sketches/edict-mass.html

Mandatory Squidmas Family Argument:

http://www.rathergood.com/all-sketches/edict-argument.html

Phew! I think that's it for today. Remember BELLS ARE AMAZING!

Wheeeee!

Yours sincerely

Joel Veitch

Founder of rathergood.com
Member of the International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences
Winner of 3 Webby Awards
Master of Arts (Electronic Media) Oxford Brookes
Bachelor of Arts (English and History) University of Leeds
Marksman (.22, 5.56, 7.62, LMG)
Former Sixer of Grey Six, 19th Forest Hill Cub Scouts
Former Member of MGS school cricket team
Former Sergeant, Combined Cadet Force (RAF Section)
Silver Swimming Badge
3rd best Cross Country runner in my class at age 12
Once had a letter published in the New Scientist
Attended one-night Pork Butchery Course
Keen amateur ukulele player
Bronze lifesavers swimming badge
Full clean driver's license
Passed Cycling Proficiency Test
A levels – English Literature, French and History, all grade A
GCSEs 7xA 2xB
Good understanding of the principals of flight
Good understanding of the principles of spelling
Winner of the Head's Prize for Progress, first year, Aylesford School
50 meters swimming badge
Once did a wee in a loo containing Dannii Minogue's wee
25 meters swimming badge
Amateur experimental rocket / meat scientist
Has caught piranhas on a hand line
Willing to learn semaphore if required
Able to sing The Girl From Ipanema and Mas Que Nada in Portuguese
Survivor of Trans-Atlantic Airplane Fire Horror
Wielder Of The Power Of Science
Inventor of the Dictator Finger Thingdicator
Defeater of Transformers (regardless of voltage)
Founder member of the super-secret League Of Internet Justice
Has eaten chicken madras for breakfast
Commander In Chief of Pork Force
Saver Of Old Ladies In Distress
Owner of Monster Truck
Experienced lawn mower
Finder of camouflaged flip-flops
Amateur Marine Biologist
Vaguely knowledgeable about steam engines
Paper Plane Expert
The man behind many of the Internet’s biggest online successes (London Evening Standard 6 October 2010)
Pie Master
Some bloke who makes cat videos on the internet (copyright Aleks Krotoski)
Kitten Wrangler Extraordinaire
Inventor of Hairy Tongue
Christmas Tree Decorator of some renown
Able to slow kittens to 1/40th the speed of a normal kitten
Fan of all ungulates
Moon Baron
Able to do a passable impersonation of a trumpeting elephant
Fixer of aircraft using glue, tape and bog roll
Cyborg Warrior
Repairer of small shock absorbers
Owner of a skin-tight lycra suit
Knower of some stuff about pulse jets
Able to identify many cartilaginous fish
Painter of RC cars
Able to fly a radio control plane briefly before crashing and destroying it
Knows what a lift pump is in a diesel engine
Understands clutch shoes
Loop-the-looper extraordinaire!
Getting less bad at soldering
Has a vague understanding of the advantages and disadvantages of a small propeller spinning quickly vs a big propeller spinning slowly
Knows that volts times amps equals watts
Father of Ultimate Nail Baby
Hasn't even mentioned that he cut the tip of his finger off because he's so brave
Builder of Sausage Drone
Not responsible for anyone injuring themselves while attempting dangerous erotic freefall
Popular amongst Dominicans with sexually confusing genetic disorders
HABATAAAAAAG enthusiast
Milkman impersonator
Stallion Explosion
Drummer on stranded buoys
Killer of tree stump
Barbequer of delicious sardines
Rat control expert
Wears a clean pair of underpants every single day, no exceptions
Juicing enthusiast
Maestro Human Jamonero
Fingernail splinter survivor
Choctopussular King of the Underworld
King of rapid-reaction song-forging
Trainee quadcopter pilot
Digger-out of large pieces of floorboard from his own feet flesh
Survivor of adult mumps
Egg detector
Bacon Drone Mastermind
Able to speak French a bit
Very grown up
Getting better at gardening
Not actually so sure I am getting better at gardening after all
Successfully grafted at least one fruit tree
Learning a bit about pollination
Has eaten reindeer
Building slug defences from egg shells
Has definitely got some greengages growing on the greengage tree
Owner of a kiwi vine
Slug Patrol! Ho!
Has a slightly sore little finger on the right hand
Destroyer of aphids
Several plants would be growing better if I had just left them alone instead of trying to help
A bit tired
Owner of a Passion Fruit vine
Grower of Asparagus
Educator about dinosaurs
Grower and Eater of greengages
Pork is my cake, cheese sauce my custard
Creator of a massive glut of broad beans
Maker of compost
Grower of fruit seeds
Cooker of spicy bone soup
Can say “fish” in Spanish
Inventor of Bean Cake. It's a cake that's full of beans!
Inventor of Eel Cake. It's a cake that's full of eels!
Father of a very small hairdresser
Has a horrible cold but is much too brave to mention it
Smells of burnt toast
Theocratic Despot of the Future
Walking quite a lot these days
I do like a nice home made spicy soup you know
Ate a ridiculously hot chicken wing thereby joining the Brotherhood of Idiots
Crabcatcher
Bell Enthusiast

Official Squidmas Juice

Hello!

Official Squidmas juice is made from the tentacles and minds of only the angriest squids. Here's Grand High Space Arch Bishop Stewart explaining why you have to drink it and what will happen to you if you drink anything else.

http://www.rathergood.com/all-sketches/edict-juice.html

You have no choice but to taste the fury, sorrow and rancidity!

Also,  as per the ancient prophesy of Saint Bong Crisby it is vital that we ensure it is a White Squidmas. Stewart explains what this means for you. It is very important that you pay attention.

http://www.rathergood.com/all-sketches/edict-white-squidmas.html

Stand by for more very important information over the next few days.

GLORY TO THE THEORACY!

Yours sincerely

Joel Veitch

Founder of rathergood.com
Member of the International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences
Winner of 3 Webby Awards
Master of Arts (Electronic Media) Oxford Brookes
Bachelor of Arts (English and History) University of Leeds
Marksman (.22, 5.56, 7.62, LMG)
Former Sixer of Grey Six, 19th Forest Hill Cub Scouts
Former Member of MGS school cricket team
Former Sergeant, Combined Cadet Force (RAF Section)
Silver Swimming Badge
3rd best Cross Country runner in my class at age 12
Once had a letter published in the New Scientist
Attended one-night Pork Butchery Course
Keen amateur ukulele player
Bronze lifesavers swimming badge
Full clean driver's license
Passed Cycling Proficiency Test
A levels – English Literature, French and History, all grade A
GCSEs 7xA 2xB
Good understanding of the principals of flight
Good understanding of the principles of spelling
Winner of the Head's Prize for Progress, first year, Aylesford School
50 meters swimming badge
Once did a wee in a loo containing Dannii Minogue's wee
25 meters swimming badge
Amateur experimental rocket / meat scientist
Has caught piranhas on a hand line
Willing to learn semaphore if required
Able to sing The Girl From Ipanema and Mas Que Nada in Portuguese
Survivor of Trans-Atlantic Airplane Fire Horror
Wielder Of The Power Of Science
Inventor of the Dictator Finger Thingdicator
Defeater of Transformers (regardless of voltage)
Founder member of the super-secret League Of Internet Justice
Has eaten chicken madras for breakfast
Commander In Chief of Pork Force
Saver Of Old Ladies In Distress
Owner of Monster Truck
Experienced lawn mower
Finder of camouflaged flip-flops
Amateur Marine Biologist
Vaguely knowledgeable about steam engines
Paper Plane Expert
The man behind many of the Internet’s biggest online successes (London Evening Standard 6 October 2010)
Pie Master
Some bloke who makes cat videos on the internet (copyright Aleks Krotoski)
Kitten Wrangler Extraordinaire
Inventor of Hairy Tongue
Christmas Tree Decorator of some renown
Able to slow kittens to 1/40th the speed of a normal kitten
Fan of all ungulates
Moon Baron
Able to do a passable impersonation of a trumpeting elephant
Fixer of aircraft using glue, tape and bog roll
Cyborg Warrior
Repairer of small shock absorbers
Owner of a skin-tight lycra suit
Knower of some stuff about pulse jets
Able to identify many cartilaginous fish
Painter of RC cars
Able to fly a radio control plane briefly before crashing and destroying it
Knows what a lift pump is in a diesel engine
Understands clutch shoes
Loop-the-looper extraordinaire!
Getting less bad at soldering
Has a vague understanding of the advantages and disadvantages of a small propeller spinning quickly vs a big propeller spinning slowly
Knows that volts times amps equals watts
Father of Ultimate Nail Baby
Hasn't even mentioned that he cut the tip of his finger off because he's so brave
Builder of Sausage Drone
Not responsible for anyone injuring themselves while attempting dangerous erotic freefall
Popular amongst Dominicans with sexually confusing genetic disorders
HABATAAAAAAG enthusiast
Milkman impersonator
Stallion Explosion
Drummer on stranded buoys
Killer of tree stump
Barbequer of delicious sardines
Rat control expert
Wears a clean pair of underpants every single day, no exceptions
Juicing enthusiast
Maestro Human Jamonero
Fingernail splinter survivor
Choctopussular King of the Underworld
King of rapid-reaction song-forging
Trainee quadcopter pilot
Digger-out of large pieces of floorboard from his own feet flesh
Survivor of adult mumps
Egg detector
Bacon Drone Mastermind
Able to speak French a bit
Very grown up
Getting better at gardening
Not actually so sure I am getting better at gardening after all
Successfully grafted at least one fruit tree
Learning a bit about pollination
Has eaten reindeer
Building slug defences from egg shells
Has definitely got some greengages growing on the greengage tree
Owner of a kiwi vine
Slug Patrol! Ho!
Has a slightly sore little finger on the right hand
Destroyer of aphids
Several plants would be growing better if I had just left them alone instead of trying to help
A bit tired
Owner of a Passion Fruit vine
Grower of Asparagus
Educator about dinosaurs
Grower and Eater of greengages
Pork is my cake, cheese sauce my custard
Creator of a massive glut of broad beans
Maker of compost
Grower of fruit seeds
Cooker of spicy bone soup
Can say “fish” in Spanish
Inventor of Bean Cake. It's a cake that's full of beans!
Inventor of Eel Cake. It's a cake that's full of eels!
Father of a very small hairdresser
Has a horrible cold but is much too brave to mention it
Smells of burnt toast
Theocratic Despot of the Future
Walking quite a lot these days
I do like a nice home made spicy soup you know
Ate a ridiculously hot chicken wing thereby joining the Brotherhood of Idiots

Subcategories

  • blog
    Article Count:
    188