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The Geological History Of The Earth explained

Geological Epochs

Pre-1960s, There was just soup. Infinite Soup.

1962 - Jurassic Park Epoch
In 1962 The world spontaneously transmogrified from Soup into Jurassic Park. As this happened, the first life also appeared at the same instant. This primitive life took the form of velociraptors- lovable rogues, a little bit wide, and all living in Peckham, South London. Their lives were recorded in fly-on-the-wall documentary Only Fools and Horses.

1963 - Great Ice Age
In 1963 an Ice Age covered the northern hemisphere, including Peckham, under a glacier 20 miles thick. Velociraptors David Jason and the tall thin one have been awake most of the time since then, Trigger woke up for the Vicar of Dibley, most of the rest are still in suspended animation under the Siberian permafrost.

1964 - Cockney Epoch
After the ice receded in 1964, new life sprang up from the ruins of the planet. The world was rapidly repopulated, mainly by flamboyant homosexuals called Ian who spent their time ironing creases out of the hooves of horses.

1966 - Noah's Flood
In 1966 it began to rain, and rapidly the entire world was flooded. A man named Noah had been told by God that this would happen so he bought a boat which he kept his breeding pair of Miniature Schnausers. All other life was cleansed from the face of the Earth.

1967 - Cretaceous
As the waters of Noah's Flood receeded, the Creaceous period was ushered in. The Cretaceous was a period with a relatively warm climate and high eustatic sea level. The oceans and seas were populated with now extinct marine reptiles, ammonites and rudists; and the land by dinosaurs. At the same time, new groups of mammals and birds as well as flowering plants appeared. In 1968 the Cretaceous came to and end as the invention by Tyrannosauruses of kittens resulted in the dawn of the Medieval age.

1968 - Medieval
During these times, also known as the Dark Ages, armoured kittens fought a seemingly endless, brutal and bloody internecine war. It was a time of horrific suffering.

1970 - Meteorite
In 1970 a gigantic meteorite smashed into Earth, wiping out literally all life of any kind across the entire globe. The world was a sterile lump of largely molten rock spinning silently through space for a long, long time.

1972 - Roman Empire
In 1972 The Roman Empire rose from the ashes of the dead planet, inventing the arch and concrete, as well as sandals, fish and the hovercraft. It collapsed under its own weight in 2007.

2008 - Modern
The Modern era officially started in 2008 with the re-emergence of civilisation from the ruins of the great empire of the Caesars. It is in this time that we are now living.

Future- Infinite Soup for Eternity
There are conflicting theories about what kind of soup the eternal soup will be. The Tomatoists believe fervently that it will be Eternal Tomato Soup. Some believe it will be Minestrone, others Primordial. The dominant theory is that as it is an infinite and eternal soup, with room for all possible soups, that all possible soups will exist an infinite number of times for eternity, within the greater infinity and greater eternity of the infinite eternal Soup. Recently, speculation in soup futures has collapsed due to over-investment in sub-primordial soup.