The afterlife explainedEd cruelly left me and Sea Dave alone this afternoon. He just left, and went to York, just like that. We have been so sad and lonely without him that we have decided we can't go on. We are going to end it all and leave notes for Ed so that he knows it's his fault.
"Dear Ed- when you abandoned us we lost all hope of happiness in this life. We have killed ourselves because of your cruelty. We hope you can be happy now we are dead. We'll be waiting for you in the next world, where maybe you will be less cruel to us."
I wasn't sure how this works in the after-life so I have looked into it. If he is still nasty to us in the afterlife, and we end up having to kill ourselves again, it turns out we will go to the super-afterlife. Either super-heaven or super-hell, depending. Super-heaven is brilliant, super-hell less so. If he is still nasty to us here and we kill ourselves again, we will go to the super-super afterlife. It isn't an infinite regression of super-afterlives though- after the super-super afterlife, if Ed is still being cruel to us and we kill ourselves again, there is just soup.
Depending on whether you have come from super-super heaven or super-super-hell you get either tomato and bacon soup, or celery soup. Personally, if I get the eternity of celery soup I will immediately drown myself in the soup without even waiting for Ed to catch up to see if he is still being cruel. I HATE celery soup.
After that it turns out you loop back to the physical world and are reincarnated as yourself but with a "2" on your forehead, in Croydon. If you leave Croydon then the police will bring you back, unless you wipe off the 2. It turns out the 2 is only written on with biro. Then you can go about your life normally.
This process is cyclical, and you keep going through the life / afterlife/ super-afterlife / super-super-afterlife / soup / Croydon cycle a further 11 times - 12 in total. You don't go back in time or anything, you don't get reborn in the past, you just turn up in Croydon with a number on your forehead, covered in soup.
After the 12th time, it's much the same but you get a haircut and a new name and this time round you have to rhyme everything you say. This only repeats 6 times though. After that you get reincarnated as an animal. Specifically, you get reincarnated as Lassie. The problem with this is that EVERYONE gets reincarnated as Lassie, all at the same time, so you end up as just one of billions upon billions of screaming voices in the head of Lassie, who has gone completely insane with the torture of the voices. No further suicides are possible at this point as your control over the dog is very limited- like many billions of people all trying to drive her at once. Mostly she just twitches and whimpers. You are basically stuck with that until Lassie dies.
Then it's Flipper. Same deal, with the billions of screaming mind-voices and insanity, just damper.
When Flipper eventually dies, you are back in Lassie again, then it's the bear off Gentle Ben. You spend around 300 years in total bouncing around the minds of famous acting animals, then you spend a couple of years in a featureless white room. It has no sensory input of any kind except for the white walls. After a few months a TV screen appears playing "Weekend At Bernie's 2" on loop.
After a couple of years of that you get reincarnated as a bee. It's random whether you get worker, drone or queen, but the odds are weighted towards worker. After hundreds of years of screaming inside dogs and watching crap movies it's quite a relief. Depending on how much pollen you gather as a bee, when you die you either go to bee heaven or bee hell.
Bee hell is the special all-bee version of Deep Impact, with Morgan Beeman playing President Bee. Suicide is still possible in Bee Hell- you have to sting another bee and you will die and go to bee super-super-hell.
Bee super-super-hell is a small room with a picture of a cock drawn on one wall. You are there for 20 million years.
After that a small trap-door opens up and you find yourself, still a bee, in a deserted infinite Weston Super-Mare, stretching off in ever direction without end. There are lots of pinball machines and stuff but you're a bee so they're useless to you. After the 20 million years in the room though it's nice to have the space, frankly. There are plenty of flowers too. The main plus-point is that Ed won't be there being mean. This goes on for eternity.
It's not a perfect system, but it's the only one we've got.